Dear members of Westminster Nursing Facility,
BEWARE!! The American way of life and the world as we know it is under siege! Every day that passes by and the sands of time fall the eminent threat of Viloceraptor invasion grows greater. These turkey sized menaces will tear your tender and aged flesh straight from the bone just like a hungry teenager does to very left-over fried chicken.
You think they will take pity on you because of your, let’s be frank, old age? False! They are brutish scavengers and will be doing natural selection a favor by devouring you. On this day of reckoning it will be every human for themselves. It is up to YOU to band together and protect your location in the pleasant hills of Albemarle. You must act. How? I have kindly made a five-step plan for ya’ll.
1) Seal off all possibly Raptor entry points. The easiest and most economic way is covering these entry points (such as Bingo room glass windows) with duct tape. Three layers are usually sufficient. The one weakness of the Raptor talon is duct tape because of the way that they get stuck in the tape, leaving them stuck to the wall and vulnerable to shotgun assault.
2) Place instruments of defense in the essential locations. When being approached by an angry Raptor it is essential to be properly equipped. The best weapons against Raptors are the obvious shotguns, magnums, anything form Jurassic Park, Numb -Chucks which temporarily stun them (enough to escape) if used properly. The very best weapon is the AK-47 or any machine gun because of the large numbers of Raptors they can kill in the short window of time that you have to defend yourself. Place these life-savers in the main hall as well as in every living space.
3) Master these instruments of defense. What good are weapons if you don’t have the proper training to use them? My point exactly.
4) Install special “Raptor Alarms” across the Nursing Facility. The most orthodox form of Raptor Alarm is a red button with the footprint of a raptor on it that, when pressed, sets off the loudspeaker chanting “Raptor attack! Raptor attack! Raptor attack!” in a high-pitched scream until the threat is eliminated.
5) Build Raptor-proof bunkers. As a last resort you can fall upon these bunkers that will protect you from Raptors. Stock them with food, water and sleeping materials to last up to two days. Once finding that the prey has outsmarted them Raptors become frustrated and move on to ravage the next human settlement. You can then exit the bunkers, quickly thank God for your luck, and go on with your lives of Bingo and softened foods.
With modern technology such as time-travel, which they have already discovered in the future, it is a miracle that Raptors have not hijacked a time machine and struck in our present day… yet. The US government is too ignorant to see such dangers and it is up to my generation, “The Raptor Weary Generation”, to spread the word. Hopefully we can save your generation like yours saved mine from fascism and later communism. I sincerely hope that you immediately take full advantage of my warnings and turn these guidelines into a daily routine.
With Love and Good-Will,
Will Marsh, Head Supervisor of the Raptor Awareness Association of Charlottesville (RAAC)
